Off your shoulder

I wear my faults on my shoulder. When I meet people I’d like to think I give them small doses of the best and worst things about me. I am very friendly but I am also very awkward and a little crazy. I am very loyal but that means I am loyal to lots of people even the ones that suck. (UGH I sound like a dog, on the other hand I (must) love dogs).

Anyway, I like for people to have an idea of what my worst qualities are. Maybe being this way is one of them too. I don’t know what I am saying. I figure that part of the reason why I want people to know bad things about me is I spent a considerable part of my life listing all of my terrible qualities (to myself) and using them as an excuse for why I was unhappy and why I would never be happy.

That was jibberish. Here is the real post.

So one of my good friends says I try too hard all the time.  Like I try to get peoples approval and I try to keep them happy and if they are sad I try to make them happy like one person can do all of those things.  When I see someone even if I just saw them I am always happy to see them again. I am always interested in how their day was.  I’m a dog again. I’m nice but I’m non essential. I can’t mean something to everyone because the things that mean the most to people are special.

This wasn’t meant to be sad. I’m not sad just always thinking about the person I want to be. I haven’t talked about all of them on this blog but I have actually changed a lot this year.

There aren’t sufficient words but suffice to say I don’t feel the same. Things that I thought I would never get over, would never be able to think about without crying, would never be able to forgive, I have. For the longest time I thought that it would take a lot of counseling or praying or something but literally one day I woke up and I felt different. Actually it was in the middle of the day and I was in public and I just realized I didn’t feel the same. I realized I could breathe. I realized I didn’t have to be that Amber anymore. I had told myself that before but this time I knew it wasn’t a lie. Maybe it was a mixture of time and just deciding to.

I don’t believe in definitive answers to any of life’s really important questions. Not the kinds of answers that you could write out or even communicate to another person. Just something that is or isn’t. Or something inside that is there or not.

I think about some people now. I think about them and I think that maybe they are thinking of me too and maybe they don’t even realize it. But I am there.

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